Powerless
by Davey-is-Gawd
Summary: When an incident brings two unlikely people closer together, will they crash and burn or mesh perfectly? Pellie slash! R&R. Complete
1. I Can't

**A/N: I got bored, so I was like, lets make a fic that's not based off of Ellie's perspective. So I was like, lets do one from...Paige's point of view. w00t! Yeah, so flame it...whatever.. I don't care. Teehee, Ellie's still in it, bitches! Fluffy Marco/Dylan, but it's only mentioned once or twice. **

**Powerless**

I smiled, flipping my hair over my shoulder. "Hon, don't worry. I'm over it," I said cheerfully to Ash, referring to a kickin' party we went to over the weekend. Even though I wasn't feeling cheerful at all, I smiled again, then waved to Ashley, veering into the girls' washroom. "'Morning, Vampire," I muttered, digging in my purse for my new strawberry lipgloss.

"Mmm," Ellie muttered, applying layer after layer of eyeliner.

"Please, contain your enthusiasm," I sneered, rubbing the tip of the lipgloss wand on my lips. "Vamp, you're using up the whole damn stick," I laughed, and it was definitely not with her.

"Fuck off," Ellie mumbled, capping the make-up and dropping it into her open bag. She was getting ready to leave the room, when I grabbed her arm. She winced.

"Ellie--"

"Yeah?" she asked, less than friendly.

"How are you?" I asked, actually caring; actually wanting to hear the truth from her.

Ellie shook her head. "I have to go--"

I stopped her. "Ellie," I repeated, "how are you? Please, I want to know."

"I'm worse than ever," she muttered, wrenching her arm from my firm grip and swinging her bag onto my shoulder. She walked out of the bathroom, letting the door swing shut behind her.

My mouth was hanging slightly open, and my eyes were filled with hurt. _I wanted that bitch to get better_, I thought. _But the little whore went and ruined it for herself. _

The next thing I knew, tears pricked my eyes and I was hyper ventilating. The bell rang, signaling ten minutes till homeroom. Ashley entered the bathroom, and I steadied myself against the counter. "Paige...what's wrong?" Suddenly, Ash was by my side, rubbing my back, as I spilled my guts -- how I found Ellie cutting in the bathroom, how she got so pissed off.

Ashley's mouth was agape and she looked hurt. "You _knew_? **You knew**?!"

I nodded. "I couldn't tell, hon, I'm sorry." I capped my lipgloss and slipped it into my purse. "I've -- locker. Bye."

I wiped my hand across my forehead, sighing. Dylan smiled at me in the rearview mirror. "Paige, what's wrong?" he asked, squeezing Marco's thigh.

"It's Ell--"

Marco shot me a look.

"It's nothing, I'm fine," I said, trying to force my Glam Gal Paige Michalchuk smile.

Dylan nodded, but Marco's brow was furrowed and he looked confused. "Uh, Dyl, could you drop me and Paige off at the mall? I want to apply for a job at the cinema."

Dylan nodded, then got this puppydog look in his eyes. "Yeah, sure, Marco," he said, smiling and kissing the Italian boy swiftly on the lips.

I opened the car door, sighing. Marco and I walked silently towards the mall entrance, arm in arm. "Paige. What's wrong with Ellie?"

"Nothing," I said, smiling at him. "She just needs that little **push** in the right direction."

"What are you talking about?" Marco asked, smiling in a confused manner.

"Nothing. I'm getting confused." I kissed him on the cheek, and a reddish tint shot throughout his face.

Ellie walked into school, and it was obvious that no one had walked with her. Immediately people started staring, and I couldn't blame them. Her eyes were bloodshot, red rimmed and swollen; her hair was completely down; she looked like she weighed two pounds; and she had a red handprint on her left cheek. Someone'd had one hellofa weekend. But, her being Ellie Nash, she kept her head down and continued her painfully long walk to her locker.

I smiled at Hazel, swiped the blush brush across her cheekbones, handed it to her, then ran towards the bathroom, where Ellie had unexpectedly gone. I sighed. "Ellie," I called quietly. I saw her pull her boots up onto the toilet seat from under the stall door. "Ellie, please. Talk to me."

She opened her stall door, then looked at me with tears pouring down her face. Ellie walked slowly towards me, looking at her feet.

"Ellie, what happened?"

"I didn't mean to.. I was powerless," she muttered.

"Elle--"

She looked up at me and held my gaze as she pulled down her purple-and-black striped armwarmers. She lifted her arm to my gaze. "Prittie Girl" was carved deeply into her forearm.

I sighed, then looked into her beaten face. "What happened?"

"My mom happened," she whispered. "And then Sean happened," she said, looking down at her arm. "And I can't do this anymore."

I hugged her as tight as I could, and I knew that for a split second, Ellie was greatful for my nosiness. She collapsed into my arms, taking in great breaths of air and sobbing wildly. "Please help me..." she cried.

I pressed on her doorbell, tapping my foot impatiently. "Come _on_, Elle," I muttered, pressing and holding the button longer.

There was a scuffle inside the house, and then Ellie opened the door. "Oh, hey, Paige," she muttered, keeping her bare arms out of sight. "Um, come on in, I guess..."

"Thanks." I took off my coat and hung it on the hook next to the door. "Nice house..."

Silence.

"I like that painting."

"Thanks."

"Ellie --"

"Yeah?" She answered almost too fast.

"You're bleeding on the floor."

"Yeah."

"Let me help you clean up." I went into the kitchen, a familiar place in Ellie's house. I crossed the room, opening a drawer. I pulled out an already bloodstained rag, and then I wiped up the crimson liquid. "You're beautiful," I said. _Shit, did I just say that out loud?_

"Uhm..."

"Seriously, Elle, you're gorgeous," I continued as I wiped up the floor. "Arm."  
She stuck out her arm, and I started cleaning it. "And you don't deserve this, sweetie."

I smiled at Ellie. "I had fun," I said. And then I kissed her. Hard. On the lips.

Her eyes were wide with surprise, but then it dissipated into longing.

"Movies, on Friday. Be there," I told her, waving and leaving her standing stunned in the doorway.

**((A/N: I decided I wanted to cut this short. I don't know if it's a one-shot or if I'll continue.. Anyways, sorry it sucked so much.. Femme slash isn't exactly my expertise. Kissins. -- Zoe)) **


	2. Please Don't Leave Me

**Yay, new chapters rock the hizzouse. PaigeEllie slash, If you don't like it, leave. But you're on to chapter two, so then you obviously do like it. Pervs. Then again, it doesn't say much about me...since I'm, like, writing it. Enh, fuck you. ::grin:: **

I paced my bedroom, trying to figure out what to wear. "Dylan!" I yelled, sighing with frustration as I tore through my dresser.

"What?" he called from his bedroom, where he and Marco were probably Doing the Dirty.

"Come help me with my outfit."

"I'm a bit – ooh – busy at the moment," he stuttered.

I shuddered. "Like…ew." I sighed again, and then cursed loudly. Obviously, Mom heard me.

"Paige Reilly Michalchuk! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" She came bounding into my room, her hand raised. Mom was drunk. She slapped me around for about twenty minutes, and then left me curled in a sobbing ball on the floor.

My cell phone rang. I looked at the number. It was Ellie. "Hello?" I asked, choking on tears.

"Paige, where are you?"

"At home," I whispered.

"I'm coming over. It's nine-thirty."

"No, please don't," I said as quietly as I could.

"Paige, what's wrong?" Ellie asked. I could tell that the wind was howling and she was yelling to be heard, because I heard her in front of my house.

"My mom…She beat me," I told her in a voice barely above a whisper. "Please…Elle, don't come over. I'll meet you out front. I love you."

"I'm giving you ten minutes. I love you, too."

Ellie wrapped her arms around me. "I love you so much, Paige; so much. I don't want this to end," she whispered, crying into my shoulder.

"It won't end," I replied, wrapping my thumbs around the hem of my sweatshirt.

"Yes it will. You'll go back to Spin and I'll go back to Sean. We weren't meant to be, Paige – "

I cut Ellie off, "Ella-belle, Spin's whoring it up with Manny Santos, and Sean's in Waseca Beach."

Ellie pulled away, smiling. "How long has it been since that day in the bathroom?"

"Three months, two days, and three hours." A blush shot through my beaten cheeks.

"Awwww…" Ellie smiled, just as my front door opened.

We didn't notice it, so we kissed.

"**Ellie?!?**"

It was Marco.

I sat on my bed, waiting for the four o'clock (AM) phone call that greeted me every Friday night. My sweatpants were practically falling off of me. _What the fuck?_ I wondered. _Since when do these sweats_-- My cell phone rang. I squealed. "Hey-lo?" I greeted into the phone.

"Paige--" came from the other end.

"Elle?"

"Paige...I'm sorry," Ellie whispered, sniffling.

"Ellie -- Please.. Are you okay? Ellie, talk to me. Are you alright?" I was getting worried. "Ellie!"

"I'm sorry..." she repeated. "Please..."

I started crying. "Ellie, I'm coming over." I stood up as fast as I could, but then a bout of dizziness followed. "Please stay on the line, baby. Please..."

I don't ever remember being so alone. The walked to Ellie's house was crucial, but only because I hadn't eaten all day and I was sprinting. I don't remember when I realized that I was attracted to girls aswell. Maybe it was that summer that Ash went to counseling for doing ecstacy, but I don't know. All I know is that when we came back from summer break, she was gorgeous and I was totally falling for her. By then I was Super-Whore-Fuckhead-Paige Michalchuk, and I didn't give Ashley another chance. When Dean raped me, I think I lost all feelings for boys. I went out with Spinner because of fucking pity. In grade nine, when I was bitchy and whore-ish, I wanted everyone to like me. Now I want to disappear into a wall. Is that disappearing or being camoflauged?

I knocked on Ellie's front door. Once. Twice.

No answer.


	3. The Enemy

**This is going to be a long chappy with my favorite...LOTS OF ANGST!! Yay. Once again, this is Pellie slash, so if you don't like it you must leave. But then again, it's chapter three, and if you're this far you must like it. Pervs. **

I opened the door and sprinted up the stairs. "Ellie?!" I yelled.

No answer.

I crept down the hallway, my breath caught in my throat and my sweatpants almost falling down. "Ellie?" I called quietly into the dark room all the way down the hall. I pushed open the door, and the site in front of me made me laugh.

Ellie was sleeping in her bed, the telephone next to her beautifully still face.

Then it dawned on me: why was she sorry? I crossed her room to check the calendar. "February 12th... 'Dinner with Paige'. Oh, she bailed. Thank God I didn't remember." I smiled down at Ellie, then poked her.

Her eyes fluttered open. "Paige," she muttered sleepily. "What're you doing here?"

"I was worried about the phone call. But then I realized it was because of our dinner date. I forgot." I poked Ellie again, motioning for her to scoot over in the bed.

Ellie nodded, then scootched a bit. "Paige?" she asked after a bit of silence.

"Yeah?" I replied, my voice thick with sleep.

"My arms hurt," she whispered, sitting up and turning on the light.

"Wha--?"

Ellie pushed up her sleeves, showing me her polluted arms.

I started counting. One hundred and fifty-five cuts. On her left arm. Only one gash particularly worried me. It was about a centimeter deep and it was oozing puss. _Gross_, I thought. "How many?" Ellie whispered.

"One fifty-five," I replied. "Ellie, what the hell? What happened?"

"It's Sean -- he's back."

"**FUCK**," I yelled. I grabbed my pants, put them on, and walked out of the room, leaving her to sit there.

I sat on my bed, rocking back and forth. The sun was starting to come up and Marco would be here to escort Dylan to his hockey game soon. The alarm clock blinked 5:12. I hadn't gotten any sleep whatsoever. And it was all Ellie's fault. I threw my pillow at the opposite wall in frustration. I knew that Sean and Ellie would get back together, and I'd known it for the longest time. But I don't know why this realization would hurt so much. I heard movement in the room next to mine: Dylan was awake. The Titanic soundtrack was humming in my ears, so I didn't pay any attention to him. Even when he came into my room and sat on my bed. "Hey, Paige." He ruffled my hair.

"Stop," I replied, swatting the his hand away.

"What's wrong?" He pressed 'stop' on my stereo, muting Celine Dion mid-phrase.

"Nothing," I whispered, trying to contain my tears.

"Waigeeey, c'mon!" He smiled. Dylan had been calling me 'Waigey Wreilly' since I was two.

"It's nothing, leave me alone," I grumbled.

"Waigey, please. What's wrong?" Dylan snuggled up to me.

"It's El -- Spinner. Someone from his past came back and yeah...sparks are starting to fly again."

"Oooh.. Paige, Spin is an asshole. We all know that," he sighed, then hugged me.

"Love you, Dyl."

"Love you too, Waigey."

**Sorry, I wanted to have another chappy up. Sorry it wasn't long and sorry for the lack in angst. I know it's very off character for everybody. Thanks to my whopping SEVEN reviewers. ::scoff:: Please, if you're reading this, review. I'm not updating until I get to fifteen. -- Zoey-Bear**


	4. Lost

**Thanks to all the reviewers. Anyways, I guess I should do this disclaimer shite. I don't own any of the characters of Degrassi or the already existing plot lines. There. Pellie slash, you don't like it, leave. Enjoi. **

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Ellie smiled at me as I walked into school that day. I kept walking, but only because I was with Hazel and Heather Sinclaire, who had abnormally large and ugly antiquey earrings on. And then I saw him. I saw Sean and almost passed out.

He was fucking gorgeous. Wearing a somewhat tight black T-shirt and a pair of jeans, he walked over to Ellie. His hair was natrually frosted blonde from the sun, and he was tan.

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Obviously Elle didn't think he was a hunk. She looked horrified at the change. So horrified that she started crying. But I think it was because he blew her off like that. I would cry too. He tried to hug her, but she started sobbing and hitting his chest with her small fists. "How could you?" she cried, burying her face in her hands and running into the Girls' Washroom. Sean's cheeks flamed red and his eyes surged with anger and pain.

Several people started laughing at both Sean and Ellie, then poking their heads in the bathroom to hear her crying. "What the hell?" I yelled, pushing people away from the washroom doors. "Leave her alone, she didn't do anything to you people!" I stared at them.

"She existed!" Spinner yelled from the back of the crowd.

My cheeks flamed as I walked toward him, screaming in anger.

"Ms. Michalchuk, come with me," Mr. Raditch said firmly, grabbing my arm.

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"Paige, would you like to explain to me what happened out in the hallway?" he asked, leaning eagerly over his desk on his elbows.

"No, not really," I answered, smiling.

"Paige, if you cannot explain your behavior, you will get a Saturday detention."

"Mr. Raditch, Sean left Ellie last semester, and now he's back and expecting her to just go right back to him. And she's pissed at him for leaving her like that. So she went into the bathroom, and people started poking their heads in and laughing at her. I thought the poor girl should be cut some slack, so I started yelling at them," I said.

"But that doesn't excuse what you did to Gavin, Ms. Michalchuk."

"I didn't do anything to Spin. He said that, like, the only bad thing Ellie ever did to him was exist. And I got a little over-protective," I smiled as I spoke, lying through my teeth. "It just pissed me off. I mean, Ellie's a person too."

"And what changed your attitude towards Eleanor?" Raditch asked.

"It's Ellie. She doesn't like being called Eleanor," I muttered without thinking.

"Paige?"

"Um, I just got to know the real her, that's all. Helped her out a few times, ya know?" I sighed. "Look, I'm late for Kwan. May I go?"

"You have a Saturday detention. That is all," he smiled menacingly at me, standing up and escorting me out of his office.

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I sat in the Dot with Dylan, waiting for Marco and Ellie to show up. I told Dylan about Elle and me, so he didn't really care. "Paige, what's wrong?" he asked, stirring his tea.

"Nothing, school was bullshit today," I answered, sipping my latte.

He laughed dryly. "Join the club, deary," he muttered. Dylan took a drink from his tea. "Paige, you've got it easy. You're gorgeous, you've got everything going for you. Don't mess it up," he sighed and set his mug down as his face lit up, seeing Marco walk in the door.

When Ellie walked in, she immediately felt her stomach plunge. She hadn't known that Dylan would be here. So she sat quietly at the counter as I smiled at her. "Paige, a word please," she whispered.

I nodded and walked towards the bathroom. "Yeah?"

"Why the fuck is Dylan here?" she asked quietly.

"Because he has the car. Childish, I know -- bringing your brother to the Dot with you when you're here to see the person you love."

"I'm not you're girlfriend?" Ellie said.

"Elle, it's not like that -- "

"No, I get it. Ultimately because I have Sean, I'm no longer with you," she hissed as her eyes filled with tears.

"No, Ellie, that's not it. Please, hear me out -- " I stammered.

"You've just lost what ever we had," she muttered, walking out the back entrance.

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I spent New Year's sitting on my bed, not caring that the bloody year had changed or that Marco and Dylan had shared a kiss at midnight and I had no one. I didn't care anymore, nothing mattered. I just wanted to hold Ellie.

I glanced at my bedside table, where I kept a pack of brand new razorblades -- that I pleasantly stole from a craft store -- just in case I needed them. I pulled up my sleeve to reveal a perfectly clean arm. And then I opened my bedside table drawer, as the razors gleamed in the lamp-light.

I pulled a razor from the pack, then pressed it down on my wrist...

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**Haha, I left you hanging! I left you hanging! I love you guys. And this chapter is angsty, actually, so shut the fuck up, biznatch! Okay, this has gone on for a while, so I think I'm going to stop with a simple "Happy New Year", even though I could care less. Much love,**

**Zoey-bear. **


	5. New Beginnings

**Once again I am dearly sorry for my little mess up with the time. Read the reviews to find out more. I hope that I'm the only one that caught it. I'm writing this chapter differently, so if you like it IM me or review. My AIM screenname is EatQuiznosSubs35. **

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My heart patters in my chest. "Why?" I yell, scaring myself. My voice sounds so foreign. So broken. I move the razor up to my forearm, realizing that I don't want to die. I pull it across, pain searing through my body. But the pain brings me comfort. I repeat the process several times, then press my black T-shirt to the wound, that has now become very deep.

I drop the razorblade into my bedside table, and slam the drawer.

_What have I done?_

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I sit in Craig's garage, sipping on hot tea as he plays his guitar for me. We've become close in the past few weeks; the weeks without Ellie. My head is spinning as he sings. The one where he said that he was in love with Ashley.

_Something about the way you shine _

_When the lights go out I wanna make you mine _

_Something about the way it seems _

_You are always here, in my dreams _

_And when there's no one there _

_No I'm not scared _

_But I'm in love _

_With you. _

I smile warmly. "Thank you, Craig," I say, taking a drink of my tea.

"No problem," he mutters. I know it hurts him to play that song.

"No, really, thank you so much. I can't even begin to say how much it means to me."

Suddenly he's playing his guitar again, to something I've never heard before, and he's singing again.

_Just one touch and I'm on fire  
One touch and I'm crying  
'Cause you're so beautiful  
Just one smile and I'm wild  
One smile and I'm ready to die  
'Cause you're so beautiful  
Oh and you're so beautiful  
My darling  
Oh you're so beautiful  
You're so beautiful  
_

I know that he's singing to me, but I can't understand why. "Oh..." I whisper, smiling into my mug.

"Paige, you're amazing," he whispers, setting down his guitar and joining me on the couch.

"No -- I'm not, Craig," I whisper, my eyes filling with tears.

"Paige, you are _the_ most interesting and sweet person I have ever met. Despite your complete and total bitchiness at school, you aren't that person when you're by yourself."

I nod slowly, looking up at him.

He kisses me, and I return it.

Soon he's lying on top of me, unbuttoning my blouse. And I don't push him away. Because he just unbuttons the first button, and leaves it there. He kisses me, and that's all.

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I wake up the next morning, a Monday, to my alarm clock playing a familiar song. It's the one Craig sang me. I open my eyes and sit up, comprehending it all. "Good morning, Toronto! The time is 6:50AM and it is a bitter-cold, sunny day! That was "Beautiful" by HIM, a wonderful Finnish band," the announcer says with much needed enthusiasm.

I smile, then get ready to face the bloody day.

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That morning, Ellie completely ignores me. She doesn't call me "Bitchy Miss Two-Shoes" and I don't call her "Elvira" or "Vamp". She doesn't even look at me, but I can tell by the way she's holding her arms that she misses me too. I can tell that she's all cut up, all over, and that Sean is still trying to get in her pants. But I don't know. Maybe he does love her.

Marco stares at me through lunch. He can tell there's something wrong. Especially when I ditch Ashley, Spinner, Hazel, and Heather to go sit with Craig. I don't know why Heather Sinclaire, the biggest mess of all messes, is sitting with The Group.

But Craig and I laugh when we're together. I honestly don't think that Ash will ever speak to me again because of this. I look up from my plate of french fries, after wiping my mouth off. Craig made me laugh so hard that I spit out my Sierra Mist. "Craig," I say seriously, "are we anything?"

"I don't know, are we?" he replies, stealing one of my fries and jamming it up his nose.

"Uuuugh," I cry, smiling and laughing.

"You want it?" he asks, pulling it from his nose and setting it back on my tray. "Here ya go!" Craig laughs.

I laugh too, harder.

I think this is the rightest thing I've done in a long time.

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**Yay, new chapter. I didn't want to leave you guys hanging for too long. Anyways, what should happen between Paige..Ellie and/or Paige..Craig? Feed back is much appreciated! Much love,**

**Zoey-Bear**


	6. Running from Reality

**Writing this story is so much fun. I'm glad you guys are enjoying it! I really appreciate the reviewers (you know who you are) and I hope that I'm keeping up your guys's satisfaction. **

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I don't know when these thoughts started surfacing. I don't know when I stopped thinking about Ellie and started thinking about the Beautiful Craig Manning, who calls me every single night at 9:01. And then we talk until exactly 12:01, because I say I need my "beauty sleep". But Craig says I can't obtain more beauty from sleeping.

I think all of this is out of lust. I can't like Craig. It's not right, it doesn't happen. Girls don't like him. He's an asshole who cheated on mine and Ellie's best friend. But he's really not all that, Craig. He's a wonderful person to be around and he lights up when he smiles. He writes me funny notes, my favorite being:

_Paige Reilly Michalchuk. Noun._

_Awesomest fucking gangster of all gangsters; cooler than cool. You mess with her you die. ::HEARTS TO PAIGEEEEE::_

That's, like, the only one I saved. But I also saved the photo that I took of him jamming fries up his nose, and of him falling on his ass while iceskating with me, Hazel, and Heather (I know, right?). Actually, I kept all of the pictures I have of him. And all of the ones that he took of me.

**Do I like Craig? **

_No, you retard, you don't like Craig. You can't. _

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I smile as Craig jams more fries up his nose. It's his favorite thing to do at lunch. I think it looses its meaning after a while.

Ellie's nowhere to be found. Hmm.. I hope she's alright.

Okay, I'm definitely in love with Ellie. Just because Craig has become my super best friend doesn't mean that she's been pushed out of the way.

My cell phone rings, I answer it. "Hello?"

"Paige, it's Mom," she says quickly.

"Okay, Ma, I'm at school. Is this important?" I ask, kicking my leg under the table.

"Yes. It's about Dylan -- accident..." she starts taking in great gulps of air.

"Mom, what happened?" I ask again, stilling my leg and getting worried.

"It's Dylan. He got in an accident, and is in the hospital. He's in a coma, baby," she spoke in such a jittery manner that I could barely understand her.

"Bye, Mom," I whisper, flipping my phone shut.

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Craig looks at me. "Paige, are you okay?"

I shake my head no. "Dylan got in an accident -- Marco -- Dylan..." I start crying, really crying.

Dylan is only a year older than me, and we've always been very close. I was the first person he told that he was gay, and he was the first person I told when I'd been raped. I didn't tell Hazel that I'd told him first; she would've gotten offended. But a life without Dylan, my brother, my best friend, the only solid thing in my life, was like a life without air; simply impossible.

When Dylan and I were little, he couldn't pronounce my name, because he was missing his two front teeth, which was where my nickname came in.

"Paige -- come on, we're leaving." Craig pulls me from my chair, then walks me out of the cafeteria.

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"Where are we going?" I ask, sitting in the passenger seat of Craig's car. "We've been driving for a really long time --"

"Stop complaining, Paige," Craig replies, smiling.

I mess with the radio. "None of the stations are coming in, Craig," I complain, punching random buttons. The airconditioning comes on. "What the fuck?" I cry, punching more buttons until it turns off. "Craig, where are we?" I mutter, giving up on the radio station and looking through his CD case.

"I don't know where we are," he replies.

"Is Story of the Year a good band?" I ask.

"Yeah, they're okay, I guess. A lot of those CDs are Ashley's," he says.

"Craig, we're in Wasaga Beach. Why?"

"I don't know, I want to drive straight through, I guess," Craig answers, sighing and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

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**I love writing this! I don't know what's going to happen between Ellie and Paige. I somehow want them to get back together, but I don't know how I can work it into Paige's and Craig's relationship. I absolutely adore Paige and Craig together, but this is PELLIE slash. :: le sigh :: Much love,**

**Zoey-Bear**


	7. Broken Girl

**Woot, it's time for Ellie's point-of-view. Time to find out what's going on in her prittie little head! Pellie slash, no complaints. REVIEW OR I'LL SHOOT YOU IN YOUR FUCKING HEAD. Elle's point-of-view will be written in poetry, therefore the chapter will be shorter but there will be more of them. Bwhahaha! **

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I wish people would shut up,

And realize that the Broken Girl

With Bright Red hair

Is screaming

Despite the laugh

That's pouring from her mouth.

And I wish

That Paige

Could love me like I love her

But she doesn't get it

She has Craig

And I'm nothing to her.

I haven't seen Marco

In a couple of days

I wonder where he is

Because if he doesn't come back soon

I'll surely go insane

With Sean breathing down my neck

Every second of every fucking

Day.

I heard that Dylan was in an accident

Which makes me

Worry about Marco

And Paige,

Because Paige shoots

Heroin when she's upset

And if my Waigey Wreilly

Become a Heroin addict,

I think I'll kill myself.

Or at least try.

**Again**.

The first time

I took a bunch of sleeping pills

But nothing happened

Because I suck.

The second time

I slit my wrists

But then I read

That people who slit their wrists

Only have a 5 percent chance of dying.

And this has gone on for

Way too long

And I need some sleep

Before I go cut-crazy.

-- Ellie

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**Sorry the format sucks, I couldn't get it to cooperate. Anyways, Hearts and Love,**

**Zoey--Bear**


	8. U Turn

**Back to our lovely Paige's point-of-view. Thanks, ReRe, you always review! Woot woot!! Pellie slash, no complaints. I'm sorry that the Ellie chapter sucked, but I wanted to know how my Ella-Belle was feeling...because I'm a loser like that. Anyways, on with the chappy! **

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I sigh. "Turn around," I demand, shoving My Chemical Romance into the CD player. "Turn the fucking car around!" I scream.

"Paige, no. Come on--" Craig pleads.

"Fuck no. Turn the bloody car around! I want to be back in Toronto. Please, Craig. Please..." I yell, starting to cry as my voice gets stuck in my throat.

"Paige? Are you alright?"

"No, I'm not fucking alright." I smile sadly. "Pull over," I whisper.

He obeys me.

I show him my arm, which is littered with long, deep gashes. "That's why I need to go home. I need some closure. I need to know that this is real," I say.

Craig nods. "I know what you're going through --" he tries to say.

"No, you don't. You don't know what's going on. My brother could die and the person I love is blocking me out of her life. I need to be there... I have to..."

"Her?" Craig asks.

"It's Elle," I say, nodding slowly.

"Cool..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two hours later, Craig pulls into my driveway. "Sorry for...like...everything... The kisses, the song.. the french fries --" he mutters, but I squeeze him in a hug and walk off into my house.

Mom is sitting at the table when I walk in. "Mom?" I ask quietly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You okay?"

She looks up at me with sad eyes. "Someone was with him..." she starts quietly.

I immediately know what she's saying. "Marco?" I ask, almost silently.

"Yes. The doctors say that he'll..."

I start crying. "He'll what?"

"That his chance of getting better is very slim, but very possible," Mom sighs, then stands up and hugs me. Despite all of the beatings, I love my mother.

I cry into her shoulder, and when she let's me go I run to the bathroom and sift through the medicine cabinet, only after dialing Ellie's number.

"Hello?" she asks.

"It's Paige," I say, digging through the cabinet.

"Paige, are you okay? You sound upset...Maybe I should come over --"

"No need, I'm ending it here," I reply nonchalantly.

"Ending...your life?" Ellie whispers. I can picture her reaching for her razor and pulling down her sleeve as she speaks.

"Yeah..."

"I just want you to hear one thing before you do it."

"Yeah?"

"I love you so much, and if ripping my heart out would impress you, I'd do it."

"I love you, too..." I sit down on the floor and start crying. "I can't...I can't do it.. I love you I love you I love you..."

"Paige, meet me at the park." And with that she hangs up.

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Ellie embraces me when she sees me. "Ellie?" I ask.

"Hm?"

"Marco was with Dylan. Dylan was in a really bad accident this morning..." I stop, sit down, and grab Ellie's hand. "They say he'll probably get better..." My cell phone rings, interrupting me. "Hello? Oh -- hey, Mom. Yeah. No shit! Yeah, okay." I smile at Ellie. "Dylan's awake!" I cry, sighing with happiness.

Ellie smiles sadly. "What happened...between you and Craig?"

"A friendship," I answer happily.

"Paige, you're too much pep for me... I mean, we're total opposites..."

"Ellie...what are you saying?" I ask, getting worried for her. For us.

"I'm saying that I really can't do this.. but I love you so much. It's not your fault...It's really over this time. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

I start panicking. "No, Ellie, please. I love you, you love me! What's the fucking problem? Opposites attract, remember? We have something that I love -- that you love.. Please, please, please, please..." I start hyperventilating, and I shove my hands in my pocket.

Wait -- I feel something cold, and rectangular. I pull a razorblade out of my pocket, then pull down my sleeve and start going at it. Ellie is screaming at me the entire time, but I don't care. I take blood from my arm, and wipe it across her face, because she hurt me so much. I kept cutting and slicing and shredding and slaughtering my arm. It hurts so good.

"Paige!" Ellie screams, dialing 911 on her cell phone. "Paige," she whispers, kissing me.

"I'm sorry," I reply.

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An "I love you" passes my lips, and then everything goes black.

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**This chapter sucks. But it's okay, because I'll make up for it. Please, suggestions and shit are appreciated. I want to make more Ellie poetry chapters, but I dunno. Feedback. I demand it.**


	9. Scars and Worries

** b Yay, I want to do another Ellie poetry chapter, because they're funner and easier to write. I know the format will suck, but it's okay because you guys love me! Right? Right. /b **

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Paige is in the loony bin

And I don't know when I'll get to see her next

But if she ends up like me

I will hate myself for a lifetime.

Marco is okay

And so is Dylan

They're both back in school

And without Paige,

Marco sticks by my side,

Just like it was in grade 9.

I've been cutting less

But doing acid more

Because acid is more beautiful

Than watching blood flow from your body...

Wait, scratch that.

Blood is gorgeous.

Acid is not.

You never know whether you'll

Go on a good trip or a bummer

I read Go Ask Alice

And now I'm scared

That I'll end up

In the loony bin

Like Paige...

I'm so scared that I could die

But I don't want to die

I don't want to kill myself

I want to talk to Craig

To see if he knew any of this was heading her way.

I'm such a mess right now,

Bleeding all over the place and crying and snorting coke

And I'm still not numb

So I'll cut deeper and cry harder and snort more

And maybe I'll get number.

Sean has been calling me off the fucking hook

And it's very annoying

Because he won't leave me alone

Even when I say that he left me in shambles.

I'm all alone in this huge house

All the time

Every day

And I need to get my ferret back from Sean

Because he wouldn't let me take Boots back with me.

Boots is my companion,

Besides the cuts on my arms, legs, stomach, && shoulders.

I love them so much.

And I wonder if the scars will ever fade.

I'm hoping against it.

-- Ellie

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**Ooh, these are much fun to write! But soon I'm going to run out of material and go on hiatus, not for a while, though! **


	10. Happy Birthday, Love

**I'm still not able to see chapter nine, which is dumb. Okay, in case you guys haven't caught on, the poem entries are from Ellie's journal. As you can see, lotsa drugs were mentioned in the last chapter. That was totally unintentional, okay, everybody? I'm not trying to make Elle a stoner or anything, but yeah, I think if I were in her situation, I'd be doing some drugs too. **

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Scars fade

Wounds heal

But Paige is still crazy.

Last night I went pyscho

And had a nervous breakdown

I screamed

And cried

And yelled

And shrieked

And cut until I could no longer feel.

I guess I like living alone

Even though it does get afwul

Lonely without Boots here.

I love Boots

He understands me

And doesn't cry when I bare my arms in front of him.

My arms are almost clean

Despite my new art.

Ms. Sauve gave me

Kickass scare removal

And it works really really well

Because my arms are almost normal.

But it doesn't work as well on the inside

Not even the world's truck load of love (or Paige)

Could make me happy

I'll never be happy.

And it's my sixteenth birthday.

Dad died a couple of weeks ago.

Happy Birthday, Elle.

-- Ellie

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**I whipped that up in about two seconds. So please expect another update tomorrow or tonight, mmkay? This song was inspired by "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne, when I realized that I was the walking image of the song, so yeah... I got uber depressed, and I spat this out. Sorry if it's too short! Huggles and kissins,**

**Zoey-Bear**


	11. I Miss You

**This chapter is going to be Paige writing in her journal in the hospital. **

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Please don't let me be in here for much longer, I won't be able to handle it. I miss Ellie, I know I fucked things up between us. My therapist is going to read this.

Hazel calls my house every day and asks where I am. Mom's a coward, so she doesn't tell my **best friend** where I am. I'm in the nuthouse, Haze. Where they lock you up like an animal and you are forced to wear short sleeves. All of the eating disorder girls get weighed, every fucking day, and it's horrible. Hazel, please save me.

I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy...

Please let them believe that I'm not crazy! I know that Elle believes me. I'm positive that Ellie believes me! My going crazy and cutting the fuck out of my arm was because of her. Because of Ellie, the girl that I am deeply, madly inlove with. I want to know how she's holding up. I heard that she's been in school two times since I was admitted, and that scares me, because Elle's a perfectionist and she could be failing all of her classes. And I've been in here for a month.

Mom says I'm getting out soon, but only if I participate. Oh, I do miss Craig eversomuch.

Today, this girl, Sammy, walked past me and dropped a note on the floor. I picked it up and it said one of the most beautiful things I've ever read.

_Collarbones jut out from her broken body. Waxy skin glimmers in the moonlight as she watches the moonflowers bloom in the dark. Her paleness reflects her soul; alone and battered. Flowers bloom from her gashes, and she's commited the slowest form of suicide; love. So take extra care, Doll, that you don't bruise her or break her or bend her. I'll know if you do. She's the most broken girl of them all. _

I smiled when I read it, it applied to Ellie in so many ways.

Gotta go, an attendant is coming.

Love,

Paige

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**The whole thing with the note and Sammy was inspired by "Echo" by Francesca Lia Block. Chapter twelve should be up soon. **


	12. Scream Your Heart Out, Hon

**I haven't wanted to update lately, but yeah, and I've decided that chapter eleven sucked hardcore style. Ellie's point of view. This chapter is more about Ellie and Sean than Paige and Ellie. Things are getting serious, and I think I'm turning Ellie into a whore. Oopsies.**

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I miss you, doll. I need you, love. Please please please come back to me, doll. Tell me you love me. Kiss my arms and swing me around. Call me beautiful. Wrap your arms around my waist and dance with me to my old jazz records. Laugh at my silly faces when we play with your video camera.

And suddenly he's there, kissing me, loving me. He fades away, and I'm on my knees, screaming, crying, for my lost boy. The boy that I love more than I love **her**.

Our conversations spin in my head. "_Move in...with someone who loves you..."_

_"I can't...I'm sorry. She needs me_." I'm screaming again, screaming louder than I ever have before.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be losing your mind. I read in Lisa, Bright and Dark that Lisa kept telling her parents that she was going crazy. I'm losing it. I'm losing my grip.

There's a knock on my front door. I don't answer it. I keep screaming.

Then he's really there, holding me as I cry on the bedroom floor. I'm screaming and collapsing into his chest. He's whispering iloveyous and telling me to stop crying. Softly, I whisper, "I love you more than the world itself."

And then he's crying and I'm silent, breathing harshly and wanting to kiss his luscious lips. "I'll never stop loving you," he whispers back, looking into my damp eyes and kissing my forehead.

I gaze at him through wet eyelashes and eyeliner tears, then kiss his lips as gently as possible.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We lay in my bed, under the covers, completely naked. I sit up, crying, rocking back and forth.

"Ellie?" he whispers through the dark.

I start screaming as I get up and put my clothes on.

He does the same, but he's not screaming. He's not broken.

I sit down on the floor, my knees drawn up to my chest. I'm rocking back and forth, screaming, shrieking, wanting to be loved.

He knows what to do. He leaves the lights off, sits down behind me, and wraps his arms around me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wipe my tears and stand up, going to turn on the light. I sit at my desk, pulling a piece of paper from the drawer.

I start writing furiously as he puts music on.

_Paige -- _

_i can't do it anymore. you've made me realize how confusing love is. you're not the one. _

_sorry,_

_Elle_

I fold the paper and put it in an envelope, labeling it and sealing it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He walks up behind me, then leads me out of the front door. We twirl and dance together on the front lawn, and I know that I'm complete again.

All I needed was **Sean**.

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**I really love this chapter, and I don't know why. I think it would make a good one-shot. Hehe. Much love,**

**Zoey-Bear **


	13. The Power of Love

**Sorry my updates are slowing lately; I have exams this week, but then I should be free until March. Fuck standardized testing. Anyways, I have no idea what I should do with Paige, and I'm warning you, I'll be saying making Francesca Lia Block references. A lot. I love you guys who know what the fuck I'm talking about! Ellie's point of view. **

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday. My least favorite day. And it was raining, too. I didn't know what to wear. Fucking Sean kept me up all night with kisses && English papers && iloveyous && you'remysunshines. I've fallen so hard for my boy...again. And Paige has been completely pushed out of my head. That's probably not good. "Doll?" I called from my room, trying to keep red plaid mini-skirt around my waist.

"Yeah?" Sean called from the shower.

"When you get out could you get me my belt from the hook? Please and thankies, Doll!" I smiled, rooting through my closet. Then I looked at my arm. Completely healed. I chose an old Ramones Tee and slipped it over my head. No armwarmers, no fishnets, no longsleeves.

Sean came back to my room, a towel around his waist and a studded black leather belt in his hands. He smiled, then shook his hair. I seductively grabbed his hand, lead him to the bed, and pushed him down. I had no intention of sex. He knew it, too. I straddled his stomach and kissed water droplets off of his eyelashes. I kissed his temples. I kissed everywhere except for his lips.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sean slipped his arm around my waist. I was near tears, for the millionth time today. He pulled me away from the swarm of students. "What the fuck is wrong with them?" I cried.

"Oh, honey-honey..." He kissed the tears off of my face.

"Sean, what's wrong with me? Is it so wrong to wear a short sleeved shirt?" I hugged him. "Doll, I can't take this. Can I please go home?"

"Ella-belle, this is the third time you've been in school for a month. I won't let you leave, just because people are calling you --"

"Crazy Cutter," I interrupted him, then buried my head in his chest, although I wasn't crying.

"Fat ass," someone called as they passed the couple.

"Honey-honey, you're not fat. You're a twig, honest," Sean said, kissing the rose-fragranced top of my head.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sean smiled at me. "I love you," he whispered, as I nuzzled my head into his collarbone.

I just nodded. "We have to write your English paper, Doll," I muttered, closing my aching eyes.

"Ellie, come on. You've had a fucking horrid day, and you want to write English papers? I can tell your eyes hurt, honey-honey. By the way you keep closing them," he said as he smiled, squeezing my hand.

I nodded silently. "Can we just sleep? No sex for Ellie. Too tired."

It was now his turn to nod. So he did, and he slept peacefully.

But I couldn't sleep. Long after my boy had gone to sleep, I was lying there, watching his beautifully bare chest move up and down with every breath. "I'm sorry, Ellie," he mutter-grunted, turning his head. I knew immediately that he was talking about going to Wasaga, and after that, I was able to sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

((**Changing the POV**))

Ellie sat on her bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, as she watched Sean sleep. She was clad in a navy blue hoodie and a pair of grey sweatpants, with her hair up in a fucked-if-I-care bun. The alarm clock started to go off, but she quickly muted it. The night had been sleepless for Ellie. She had slept an hour, if that.

Sean groggily opened his eyes. "Elle, it's 7:30. We have to be at school..."

"Doll, don't worry, I've called the office and told them that I'm visiting my mom and that you were coming for emotional support. They said that it wouldn't count as an absence," she muttered quietly. Depression had settled in and she was totally on the edge.

"But, honey-honey, you need to go to school --" he protested.

"No, I don't. School is where all of the bimbo sluts and fuckhead jocks get together and circle around you. It's where they call you 'Crazy Cutter' and 'Neurotic Nash'." She looked into his eyes. "You don't think that, do you?"

"No, lovey, I don't," Sean replied, lifting himself out of bed so he could kiss her gently on the lips.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sean had gone home, saying that he would come back later. So Ellie lay on her bed, and she slept and slept. She slept until Sean woke her up, a ferret in his hands. "Boots!" she cried groggily.

Sean smiled, put the ferret in the cage, and slid into bed next to her, where they slept holding each other. "I love you, honey-honey."

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**Oooh, I like this chapter too. And Boot rawks the house. Don't deny it. **


	14. Closer

**Blah. I haven't had any inspiration lately, so yeah...this chapter might suck. Sean's point of view.**

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"Ellie, hurry up!" I yelled, slipping into my shoes.

"Coming, coming," Ellie called from the bathroom. She sighed, zipped up her boots, and came out of the bathroom, her hair still knotty and matted. She grabbed her brush and started to work out the rats' nest, grumbling in frustration. "Get me my hoodie, it's by the front door," she demanded, stomping her foot impatiently.

"You'll get it when we walk out," I said, sighing. "Don't worry."

"Get me my fucking hoodie," she cried. Her eyes were filled with tears. "Please."

Oookay, this was weird, I thought. "Ellie, honey, is there anything wrong?" I asked quietly as we walked to school.

"No..."

"Honey-honey, what's wrong?"

"I really don't know. I'm just...so tired. Of everything. Always getting called a skank and getting called a vampire. I can't do it anymore, Sean, I can't do it..." Ellie started crying.

I had never seen Ellie so completely powerless. Here she was, explaining her life to me, before she moved here. How she never ate; how her mother and father ignored her; how she cut all the time, then abandoned it, then was drawn to it again. And then I was hugging her, just standing, hugging her in the middle of the sidewalk.

Marco was walking somewhat behind us. I saw him, and nodded my head for him to come over here. "Hey, Elle, what's wrong?" he asked.

Ellie sniffled, then picked up her bag and ran. She ran and ran, through the field across the streets; through the sprinkler system in the field. But neither Marco nor I ran after he. Because we knew that there was nothing we could do.

---------

I sighed as Jay looked at me from across the lunch table. "So, you and Ellie are back together?"

"Yeah...I guess."

"Yo, man, I have something that I want you to do for me tonight --"

I sighed again. "No, Jay. I'm not doing anything for you." I got up and walked out of the cafeteria.

Of course, Emma was sitting on a bench in the hallway, reading a book. "Not eating?" I asked, taking a drink from the water fountain.

She looked up, shocked by my appearance. "Uh, no, I'm not hungry..." Emma smiled at me. "Care to take a seat?"

I nodded, then sat down next to her. "Whaddya readin'?"

"What?"

"What are you reading?" I asked slowly, as if she was retarded.

Emma laughed, her lips slightly parted, as she flipped her golden hair over her shoulder. "Blood Red Scream. It's about self-mutilation," she replied, the dazzling smile still on her face.

My stomach dropped. "I've read that."

"Oh, really?"

_Only because it was on Ellie's floor,_ I thought. "Yeah...Ellie -- I mean, it was really fascinating."

She nodded. "Sean, why are you being so civilized?" Emma asked.

"Em...after the whole shooting thing, I felt closer to you." I looked into her blue eyes. "You really understood me..."

Emma stood and nodded. "Call me sometime." And walked away.

---------

When I got to Ellie's house that night, she wasn't there. There was a note on the fridge.

_Hey, sweetie. I'm out shopping for food and shit. I'll be back soon, don't wait up._

_I love you like woahz,_

_Ellie. _

So I slept on the couch that night, waiting for Ellie to get home.

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**I don't think this chapter makes any difference to the plot...blah. What should be happening with Paige? I'm really stuck. Much love,**

**Zoey-Bear.**


	15. Change Can Hurt

**I've been really really depressed lately. I've been wearing my sweats all day and I haven't brushed my hair in four days. So, as I was sitting here, I said, "The hell with it. I might as well fucking update and stop being such a bitch." And then we got snow, so if things work my way, I'll be off school for the rest of the week. Yay. **

**--------**

As Paige stuffed her things into her suitcase, Dylan sat on the end of her hospital bed, an envelope in his hands. "Here, Paige. This came from Ellie Nash."

"Oooh," she squealed, snatching the letter from his hands.

"Please, contain you're enthusiasm."

"Damn, Dylan. I'm getting out of the looney bin and you're telling me to stop being excited?"

He laughed. "Okay, I'm going to go take your shit out to the car. I'll be up in ten."

Paige nodded.

She flung herself on the bed, tearing open the envelope. The words that she read crashed into her like a bitter slap in the face.

**--------**

Ellie sat on her bed, reading a book and listening to _London Calling_. Her phone rang, and she hopped up to answer it. "He-llo?" she greeted in a sing-song.

"Elle? It's Paige."

Her stomach dropped into her intestines. "Oh...hey."

"I got your letter and I'm out. Of the nuthouse. So I just wanted to say hi," Paige told me.

"Oh...how are you?" I asked uneasily, setting my book down.

"Okay, I guess. Your notey thing kind of hit me...hard."

Ellie sighed. "Look, Paige, I want to talk to you. Come over, I'll make food. Sean's at work."

"Yeah, okay," she replied quietly.

A click signaled that our talk was over.

**--------**

((**Changing the POV**))

I waited on the couch for Paige. I was wearing a baggy t-shirt that slipped off of one shoulder and a pair of sweats. I knew she wouldn't care. I didn't care either, because I was over her.

Paige knocked on the door and I hopped up to let her in. "Hey," she said quietly, giving me a small smile and a quick hug. She hung her purse on its hook, then sighed and looked at me. I think she was waiting for something.

"Look, Paige, I'm really sorry. For everything. I mean, how I broke it off wasn't exactly civil," I apologized.

She nodded. "Ellie, are you with Sean?"

"Uhm, yeah."

"Oh."

I nodded uneasily. "Yeah..."

"Elle, have you been eating?" Paige asked, still looking at the carpet.

"No."

"It shows. I can see your collarbones even when you're completely relaxed," she said matter-of-factly. "Look, this isn't easy. I think I'm going to go home and save you the trouble of biting your tongue the entire time I'm here. Calling you was a mistake, I can just deal on my own." She stood up and grabbed her bag. "Bye."

As she was walking out the door, I smiled at her and said, "Have a good day, Waigey."

Paige smiled widely, then kept walking.

And in that moment, something changed. I could feel it.

**--------**

**Oh, 2:30 in the morning updates are always fun. Much love,**

**Zoe. **


	16. Alone

**Yay, more chapterness. But no one's reviewing anymore. ::sigh:: Please review! The POVs will change through out the chapter. **

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I sighed as I stuffed my mouth with Cheetos. As I chewed and swallowed, Ellie just stared at the blue carpet. "What's wrong?" I asked, my voice sounding loud and foreign in the silent house.

"Oh..nothing. Nothing's wrong. Do you want me to fix dinner?" she replied, looking up at me.

I had never realized how young Ellie was until now. Just sixteen, living on her own. She looked so much like a child; so scared, with her big green eyes and her pouty lips. She was dying on the inside. You could tell. Her eyes were a bit dim. Every single bit of them was filled with pain.

"No, I'm not hungry. I think I'm gonna go home tonight, okay?" I kissed her cheek, then grabbed my hoodie, stood up, and left.

"Bye, Sean," Ellie said quietly.

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**Ellie's POV**

I cannot believe Sean. He saw me, he observed me; how upset I was, and then he left. I don't even know why I'm upset. I'm over Paige. Completely. It was just a fling, right? Yes, it was definitely just a fling.

I turned off the TV then went upstairs, where I flung myself on the bed and pulled my razorblade out from underneath my pillow. My arms had been clean for too long...

One cut for my father, who left me.

One cut for my mother, who just plain sucks.

One cut for Marco, who had to be gay.

One cut for Sean, who doesn't really love me.

One cut for Paige, who lead me in the wrong direction.

One cut for Ashley, who dropped me on my ass for Paige.

One more for Marco, who also left me for Paige.

One for Spinner.

One for Craig.

Why did Marco have to be gay? I loved Marco. He left me in shambles, though. I was so inlove with him. But now he's inlove with Dylan. Marco is my soulmate, no doubt about it. If only he liked girls.

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**Ashley's POV**

I signed online, to see Ellie's screen name on my buddylist.

Elvira Queen of Doom: hey, elle.

Pleasantly Tainted: hey hey hey.

Elvira Queen of Doom: why weren't you at school today?

Pleasantly Tainted: i didn't feel like going. i never feel like going anymore.

Elvira Queen of Doom: ellie, i worry about you sometimes. you've gotten so skinny.

Pleasantly Tainted: i'm fine.

Elvira Queen of Doom: paige is really worried too.

Pleasantly Tainted: oh?

Elvira Queen of Doom: yeah...she seemed really upset. and sean was kinda pissy all day. what happened between you two?

Pleasantly Tainted: nothing. bye, ash.

Elvira Queen of Doom: toodles.

**Pleasantly Tainted is no longer available. **

Well, that was...interesting. I sighed, then picked at my nails. I signed off, then reached for my phone. "Hi, Paige? It's Ashley..."

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**As you can see, an eating disorder has been implied. I dunno what I'm going to do with that. Much love,**

**Zoe, who desperately wants you to review. **


	17. So Complicated

**I really really shouldn't be writing this right now. It's 1:23AM...and I most definitely have school tomorrow. Thanks to all of the reviewers. I love you x a lot. And just a heads up, no update later tonight. I'm going iceskating at 8 and returning at 11. Oh, and sorry if this seems out of character. **

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**Ellie's POV **

I sighed, sucking on my lollipop as I walked home from another tedious Monday. As I was passing the Dot, I saw Paige sitting alone in a booth, looking slightly hurt. So me, being Eleanor (ew, my name fucking sucks) Faith Nash, walked in and slid into the booth across from her. "What's up?" I asked, setting my bag down next to me.

"Oh, nothing," Paige replied, sighing into her cup of tea.

"Uhm," I coughed. "I don't think that's the case."

"It is the case. So, if you don't mind, I'll be leaving now," she snarled, standing up and slipping into her coat. I watched Paige leave through the back entrance. So, once again, me, being Ellie Faith Nash, followed her.

Paige was leaning against the graffitied back wall of the small restaurant. "What is your issue, Ellie?" she cried, looking at me angrily.

"What are you talking about?"

"Why are you all of a sudden caring about me?" she hissed.

"When have I **not** cared about you?" I yelled. I walked closer to her.

Paige moved in front of me, so I was smooshed on the wall and she was blocking any way I could get out. "God, Ellie, I fucking hate you!" she screamed.

"I hate you!" I yelled back.

She then pushed me, hard, back into the wall. As I was getting ready to yell out, she kissed me hard, then walked away.

------

I talked with Marco online that night.

Rainbow Love: ellie. i'm worried about u. what's going on?

Pleasantly Tainted: nothing, i'm fine. marco. seriously, i'm okay.

Rainbow Love: Eleanor Faith Nash, tell me what is wrong this very instance. does it have to do with u and paige? (insert picture of me wiggling my eyebrows. haha, ellie, you know it's sexy.)

Pleasantly Tainted: yes. and yes, marco, you are very sexy. (insert a picture of me rolling my eyes. you know _that's_ sexy, don'tcha, marco?)

Rainbow Love: ok, spill. tell me what's happening.

Pleasantly Tainted: paige was away for a while, and duh, of course you knew that. but then she comes back and thinks that i wouldn'tve moved on. she was gone for three months, of course i moved on! i went back to sean, who moved in part-time, and then paige got all pissy. then she starts yelling at me behind the dot, pushes me against the wall, and kisses me. i'm utterly confused.

Rainbow Love: ooh... i see. who do you like better?

Pleasantly Tainted: i dunno. listen, marco, i've gotta go. call me.

Rainbow Love: I love you, ellie.

**Pleasantly Tainted is no longer available.**

------

**Marco's POV**

How else can I say it? I'm having more than friendly feelings towards Ellie right now. I could be bi, right? Or maybe it's just fucking horomones. It's just the way that she bats her eyelashes and smiles. How she rolls her eyes...it's so sexy. We're soulmates, right? We'll end up together in the end...

Dude, what am I thinking? I have Dylan, the most gorgeous boy on the face of the earth.

I have Dylan, but I want Ellie.

Dude, I'm fucking confused...

------

**Hope you like! Okay, it's time to get some sleep for me. Please review. Much love,**

**Zoe **


	18. And He Searches

**I'm really bored and should be taking a nap...because I ended up falling asleep at 4:30AM-ish. And I woke up at seven. Anyways, I'll probably have another 2:30AM update tonight, but I haven't decided yet. I love you guys a lot. **

------

**Marco's POV**

I needed to see Ellie. So I put on my hoodie, slipped on some clogs, and got into the car. It was about 10:30, and I knew that Ellie would be awake.

I knocked on Ellie's door, patiently waiting. "Just a minute!" called a panicked voice from inside the huge house. Several seconds later, she answered the door, nervously pulling on the edge of her longsleeve shirt. "Hey," she said, letting me in.

"Sean's not here?" I asked, handing her a boquet (sp?) of roses from behind my back.

"Oh, Marco, they're beautiful!" she cried, kissing me on the cheek. "Oh, Marco...you didn't have to."

I smiled at her. "I know. I wanted to." I walked in the house, taking off my shoes and leaving them on the welcome mat. "What are you up to?" I asked.

"Uhm, nothing, I guess. Just hanging around. Marco, do you want something to drink?" Ellie asked. "We have Coke, Mountain Dew, uhm some cheap beer," she offered.

"No, I'm good."

------

Ellie and I sat on her bed, her knee touching mine. "Look, Elle, the reason I came here was to make sure you were okay. I know you keep saying that you're alright, but it's hard to believe with the shit you go through. Ellie, are you okay?" I explained.

"No," she replied quietly, looking away.

"Ellie..." I whispered, pulling her into a hug.

She pulled away and looked at me. "Marco.. it's just -- so hard. I miss you. You're always with Paige and you left me in the dark. Haven't you noticed that I don't sit with you at lunch anymore?" she cried.

I looked at her. "I'm sorry," I choked out, before starting to cry.

"Marco, what's wrong?" Ellie asked. I could hear the pain and concern dripping from her voice. "It's okay." She stroked my hair and whisperedsweet littlenothings into my ear until I stopped crying.

When I looked up, she was smiling at me. "You're so cute when you're apologetic." She laughed and rolled her eyes.

I laughed, then kissed her.

Ellie pushed me away. "Marco, what are you doing?" she cried, tears forming in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Elle." I got up and ran down the stairs.

------

**I dun really like this chapter, but I just wanted to have another chapter up. Love love love,**

**Zoe. **


	19. Dying to Feel

**Blah. I feel like an uberbitch, I don't want to go into details. Blargh. So I'm just updating because I feel that Marco kissing Ellie was so abnormal and weird. Meh. Ooh well. Starting POV is Ellie's. This chapter is loosely based off of several scenes in Thirteen. **

------

I sighed, walking into the house and throwing my bag down. There was someone sitting on the couch.

Marco hadn't even been able to look me, his best friend, in the eye. Not even when I went up to him, hugged him, and gave him a bag of gummi worms. I knew that he was just searching when he kissed me, but it opened old wounds. It made **me** open old wounds. But I guess I was okay in the end. I mean, it was a little weird to have your **gay** best friend kiss you, but shit, I'll get over it! I just really don't like Marco being upset. Even when I told him that it was okay, he still couldn't look at me. That made my heart sink so low in my stomach that I thought I would vomit.

"Eleanor?" a disgustingly familiar voice asked.

"Mom?" I replied, somewhat surprised.

She stood, smiled, and walked over to me, her arms spread wide, expecting a hug. She wrapped her arms around me, and I pushed her away. "Eleanor?" she asked, her eyes wide with surprise.

"What, Mom? Do you realize what's gone on since you left? I'm living alone most of the time!" I yelled.

Mom shook her head. "Eleanor —"

"It's Ellie, Mom. It's Ellie. If you knew me better you would know that!"

"Honey, uhm, do you want to help me work on the design plans for the kitchen? I was thinking some flowery wallpaper, since this old stuff is falling apart," she explained.

I walked into the kitchen, fuming, and wishing that I had a rubber band around my wrist right about now. I looked my mother square in the eye and said, "Do you want to know what I think of your fucking wallpaper?" I waited for her jaw to tense. "This is what I think of your wallpaper." I reached up to where a piece was peeling, then started to rip. I pulled && ripped && and screamed until my lungs ached. Then I pushed past her and ran up to my room, my fingers aching from the hard grip I had on that damn, burnt up wallpaper.

I heard Mom storming up the stairs, so I locked my door. "Eleanor Faith Nash, you open this door right now! Don't you dare speak to me that way," she yelled.

I started feeling empty, so I went into my bathroom and opened my little Indian box. I pulled the razor out, then sat on the toilet and cut from about six inches away from my wrist to the end of my forearm, just near my elbow bend. It hurt so good.

The blood wouldn't stop, so I pressed a rag on it and leaned up against the tank on the toilet, not letting my unshed tears fall.

------

**Craig's POV **

I saw Ellie walking in the hall, looking like she was in pain. She was wearing a long-sleeved black and had her forearm drawn up to her chest. She was holding it there with her other hand as she looked at her feet.

Being naturally curious, I walked up to her. "Hey, Ellie. Is there anything wrong? Your arm, did you hurt it?"

Ellie looked startled by my appearance. "No, it's okay. Thanks, Craig."

"You sure, Elle?" I asked, looking at her.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she whispered. Her voice was pained.

"Ellie, let me see your arm," I told her sternly.

"No."

I grabbed her arm away from her chest and pushed up the sleeve.

"Get off of me, you fuck!" she screamed, pulling down her sleeve and slapping me – hard – on the cheek.

Paige was standing a little further down the hall, watching the scene in awe.

------

**Paige's POV**

I was utterly bewildered by Ellie's behavior. When she ran into the bathroom, I ran after her, giving Craig the look that said, "I'm sorry!"

"Ellie, what's wrong?" I asked her as she stood, trembling, with her hand pressed against the edge of the counter to keep her balance.

Ellie pulled her arm up to her chest again, looking into the mirror. Her makeup was watery, like she had applied it with her hand shaking.

"Did you…cut?" I asked, taking a gulp of air.

"Paige, leave me the fuck alone!" she screamed, running out of the bathroom.

------

**Marco's POV**

I can't look Ellie in the eye. I don't know why, either. But when she came to my third period class, crying, I knew that she needed me. She gathered herself, and said strongly, "Ms. Kwan, may I borrow Marco for a quick second?"

She nodded.

When I went out in the hall, Ellie collapsed into me. She cried and cried, explaining how she cut so deep and how it hurt so bad; how her mother came back and caused her to get pissed and rip the wallpaper in the kitchen down.

I just nodded and let her cry.

"Marco, I can't take this anymore," she whispered, pulling away from me.

"I know things are tough, Elle, but you're strong, and you'll pull through fine. Listen to me, Ellie, you'll be okay," I told her, not really believing myself. "Come on. Let's ditch. My mom will make you food."

"Thank you, Marco," she said quietly, kissing me on my cheek.

------

**I've created another chapter that I really like. Yay. I lub chapters like this, so yeah… Probably no update tomorrow, I'll be out playing in the snow with my cousin and her doggies. Yaay! Snoooow! Much love,**

**Zoë. **


	20. Clear as Mud

**I need to turn this around. It hasn't been Pellie for...three chapters? So I'm going to try and make things right, and hopefully is turns out a-okay. Wish me luck! **

------

**Paige's POV**

I smiled, applying my strawberry lipgloss. "Anyways, Ellie is going, like, totally pyscho lately," I told Ashley. "She yelled at me earlier today, ran out of the bathroom, then ditched with Marco. I'm just glad the day's over."

"Yeah. I'm so worried about Ellie," Ash replied, blowing a bubble with her gum. "She doesn't talk to me anymore. She doesn't talk to anyone. Only Marco and Sean...She has no real girl friends." Ash smiled, then applied _her_ lipgloss.

I clenched my jaw. "Okay, Ash, I'm gonna go. There's a meet tomorrow. Come if you want." I kissed her cheek, then walked out of the bathroom, in hopes of getting to see Ellie before Sean got over there.

------

I knocked on Ellie's front door, flipping my golden hair over my shoulder. A woman answered the door. "Uhm, hi. Is Ellie home?"

"Oh, yes, dear. She's up in her room." The woman -- Ellie's mom -- opened the door wider and stepped aside for me to come inside the house.

I smiled. "Thanks, Mrs. Nash. I'm Paige Michalchuk, one of Ellie's friends," I introduced myself. I then threw my coat over the back of the couch and jogged up the stairs, to Elle's room.

I knocked on her door. "Elle? It's Paige. Open up, please." I sighed, tapping my foot impatiently. "Ellie, I want to talk to you...about today, about how it used to be. Before Sean came back. Please, Elle," I pleaded.

Ellie reluctantly opened her bedroom door, pulling me in quickly and shutting it the second my body was fully inside the dark space. "What do you want to talk about?" she asked quietly, sitting back down on her bed and playing with the drawstring on her grey sweats.

"Us. I miss you, Elle," I whispered, scared my voice would crack.

She looked at me, her green eyes filled with fear. "I have Sean..." Ellie said quietly.

"But I want **you**," I protested.

"Paige -- no. What we had was good while it lasted --"

I silenced her with a kiss. "Look, call me if you want to get back what we had. I'm done," I said as I walked out of her room, away from my Pretty Girl.

------

**Meh. It's so short. Oooh well! **


	21. Born to Die Again

**Bah. I've decided that this is going to be twisted, pervy, full-on Pellie slash. Hells yeh. Anyways, I think I'm going to stop at thirty chapters and go to a sequel so the chappies aren't so humongo in amount. **

**Disclaimer: Beauty and the Beast belongs to Walt Disney, and all Degrassi characters and exisiting plotlines belong to Canada. **

----

**Ellie's POV**

I cuddled with Sean on the couch, watching Beauty and the Beast. Mom sat in the kitchen, sampling wallpaper. "Eleanor, honey, what do you think of this?" She held up a flowery square of paper, obviously not noticing that Sean had his hand in between my legs and was playing with my inner thigh.

"It's okay. A little girly," I replied, smiling at Sean.

Mom nodded, going back to work.

"Sean, stop," I muttered, kissing him tenderly.

When he didn't, I smiled. "Mom, we're going to go upstairs to do some homework, okay?" I asked.

----

Sean set me carefully on the bed, disposing of my boots and stockings. He took off my armwarmers, shocked to see the huge deep gash etched in my arm. "Elle..." he spluttered, sitting down on the bed, his head in his hands. Sean's back shook. He was crying.

I reached forward and hugged him, but he pushed me away. "No, Ellie. You've fucked it up too many times."

"What the hell?" I yelled. "I never messed up! We were always fine, honey. Sean, it's not your fault that I cut! It was my mom." I wiped the tears off of his face. "I love you, Sean," I whispered.

"Ellie..." He hesitated. "I think we, uh, need a break," Sean told me, his face twisted with emotional pain.

I brought my knees up to my chest and started crying. "Fine. Whatever. I don't need you anyways."

"Love you, Elle," he said as he left my room.

----

I knocked on **her** front door, tears streaming down my face. **Her** brother answered the door. "She's upstairs," he told me, opening the door.

I nodded. "Thanks, Dylan," I sniffled, running up the stairs.

Paige's room was at the end of the hall. Stone Temple Pilots blared from the room that was dressed in pink, purple, and blue. When I walked in, she didn't look up. The song changed from "Dead and Bloated" to "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace.

She looked up from her vanity. "Ellie?" she asked, concerned.

"Sean...we broke up," I whispered, another wave of tears crashing down my face. "I'm pathetic, I know, but you were the only person that I wanted to talk to right now." Sobs shook my body -- my disgustingly fat body. My chest heaved up and down, as I stood pathetically in the middle of Paige's room.

Paige moved over to me and grabbed my hand. "Oh, sweetie," she whispered, hugging me.

I cried into her hair until I could no longer cry. "I'm sorry -- for everything," I apologized, squeezing her hand and sitting down on the bed.

"What are you sorry for?" Paige asked, taking her hands from me and setting them in her lap. "Hon, if anything, you made me realize what a mega-bitch I was."

I laughed dryly.

"Do you want to try again?" And suddenly she was kissing me for all she could.

And I was pleasantly kissing her back. "Yes," I said quietly.

She smiled. "Take a nap." And she turned the music down, pushed me down so I was laying on her bed, and put a blanket on me. "Sweet dreams, Ellie," she whispered, signing on the computer.

----

My Sweet Cyanide: hey, Marco!

Rainbow Love: someone's jolly today, no?

My Sweet Cyanide: ahh, i had a really good past ten minutes!!! (insert picture of Paige smiling widely)

Rainow Love: fill me in! fill me in!

My Sweet Cyanide: Ellie and i are back on.

Rainbow Love: oh.

Rainbow Love: paige, you shouldn't get involved with Ellie. she fucked her arm up pretty bad three days ago... and it was because of you...and her mom. you confused her. paige. listen to me. if you're going to be with Elle, my best friend, **don't **hurt her.

My Sweet Cyanide: Marco, i fucked it up for us once before, i'm not going to do it again. anyways, i'll be back on later.. i love you!

Rainbow Love: tell Dyllie-Bear i say hi.

My Sweet Cyanide. Ehl Oh Ehl. you have a pet name for my brother? uugh, GROSS!

Rainbow Love: tell him I love him and that i'll see him on Saturday.

**Auto Response from My Sweet Cyanide: **I am so fucking happy that I could fly. I love you, Marco!! And yes, I will tell Dyllie-Bear that you love him and that you'll see him on Saturday.

::Hearts::

xoxo Paige xoxo

----

**Marco's POV **

I sighed as I saw Paige's away message. Ellie was going to get hurt...I knew it.

----

**Ah, Pellie love! I dunno. I dedicate this chapter to StoneTemple Pilots, Our Lady Peace, and Kittie. I dunno why I'm dedicating this to Kittie, but "Brackish" is a hella-slinkster-cool song. Anyways, I also dedicate this chapter to The Lion King, which reminded me of Beauty and the Beast. Much love,**

**Zoe. **


	22. And She Relapses

**Argh. I was bored and no one was updating their Livejournals, so here I am, bringing you another Ellie poetry chapter. Hell fucking yeh. Anyways, I don't think I have any inspiration right now. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any Degrassi characters or the already existing plotlines. **

----

Paige and I watched Beauty and the Beast

That movie makes me cry

So Paige saw me cry...

**Again. **

Dylan and Marco

Sat on the couch

And kissed

And exhanged iloveyous.

It all makes me think of

The other day

When Marco kissed

**Me.**

And not his beautiful

Dylan-Boy.

I made myself throw up

For the first time

Since eighth grade

When I lived in Montreal and was

Pressured to be perfect.

Back then

I did drugs && cut && starved && threw up

Because I wanted to be that girl

Who your parents **wanted** to meet.

Now I'm nowhere near that

And no one loves me

Except for Paige

And we love each other.

I love being inlove.

----

**Yayness. Much love,**

**Zoe**


	23. Sliding Away

**Blah. I know I haven't updated in FOREVER and I'm sorreh. But it's okay, I'll make up for it by trying to update twice tonight. **

**Disclaimer: All Degrassi characters and already existing plotlines belong to Canada. And "Coma White" belongs to the genious Marilyn Manson. "Konstantine" belongs to Something Corporate. **

----

I climbed out of Marco's car, smiling at him. "Thanks for bringing me, Marco. I mean, it was brutally out of your way --"

"Ellie, honey, don't worry! I want to see this movie anyways," Marco smiled. "And is there a reason you want to see -- let me check -- Elimination Round Fifteen?" He chuckled.

"Nope," I muttered. It was because of Paige. She was working, and if things went my way I wouldn't **have **to go see that damn movie. And then I saw him.

Sean was standing in front of the register with Jay, who was pleasanty troubling Paige.

And then Alex showed up behind Paige. "I think you should leave, Jay," she muttered.

"I think **you** should shut the fuck up!" Jay yelled, pointing at her.

I grabbed Marco's hand and pulled him up to the register. "Fuck off, Jay. Alex didn't do anything," I said sternly, standing at my full height.

Sean shook with anger, grabbed Jay, and walked back into the rest of the mall.

"Thanks, Elle," Paige said.

Alex nodded.

"No problem," I replied. "I'd like some Skittles, Waigey."

Paige blushed bright red.

"Waigey?" Alex laughed. "No shit..." She laughed some more, then went to work on another customer's popcorn.

----

**Paige's POV**

"A pill to make you numb; a pill to make you dumb...erm... All the drugs in this world can't save her from herself," Ellie said simply.

"What?" I laughed, throwing a pillow so hard at her that she fell off of her bed.

"Fuck," she muttered, both of her hands over the area were her hip bone poked her skin. She looked up at me, her eyes filled with emotion.

"Oh shit," I cried, getting down on the floor with her.

"I'm fine," Ellie replied, standing up and sitting back on the bed. "And the line I just said before you brutally **knocked** me off the bed were Marilyn Manson lyrics."

I nodded. "Oh. Elle, I'm sorry. Will a kiss fix it?"

She nodded as I kissed her lips. "It doesn't hurt anymore," she said into my mouth.

I snorted.

"My konstantine comes walking down the stairs...doesn't she look good...standing in her underwear?" the stereo sang as Ellie and I intertwined our fingers and became involved in a full-blown make-out session.

----

**Ellie's POV**

I looked at my hip bone in the mirror. There was a bruise where the bone poked up to the surface of my skin. I lifted my shirt and counted my ribs. Then I smiled and went to the bathroom.

I sat on my feet, leaning into the Porcelin Goddess. I stuck my middle finger and my pointer finger down my throat, vomitingd up everything I had eaten that day. I brushed my teeth and went to the computer.

As I was poking around self-mutilation websites, I found this:

_WARNING....before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily ...they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal!!! And years for the scars to fade! IF you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again...it will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gasping....and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get. You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20 , 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips...3 or four different kinds of dressings...betadine....antibiotic cream..medical tape..scar reducers.....You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies...someone who understands but of course that never happens. Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe ...longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands , boots... gloves..the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a differnent way...Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it ..as your eyes scan their wrists arms...hoping just hoping they will be like you....But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood..Scrubbing your bathroom floor...wiping the blood of your keyboard....You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something. Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch. Beacuase you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease." You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream about cutting...you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live with out of it. **You've been warned.**_

It scared me how true it was, so I got up, counted my ribs again, and went to sleep.

----

**I know how short the actual chapter was, but yeh, I don't care. **

**Wouldn't it be funny if Stacey Farber and Lauren Collins were poking around the Degrassi fanfiction storiesand ran across some of these pervliscious pieces of writing? And they'd be like, "Paige...and Ellie? Together? No fucking way, you pyscho perverted whores!" **

**Anyways. And sorry for all of the typos in the warning. I didn't write it, I found it on a website and copy/pasted it so I could save it, because I'm a recovering cutter who hasn't really stop-stopped. Much love,**

**Zoe**


	24. I'm Lying

**My legs hurt and I'm tired, so I thought I'd update. I dunno what I'm doing with this chapter. WARNING: No Pellie this time around. **

**Disclaimer: All Degrassi character and already existing plotlines belong to Canada. Anything else that is remotely belonging to someone else goes here too. **

----

**Ellie's POV**

I woke up with my legs aching and my hip hurting. My hair stuck out at weird angles and I itched with sleep.

As soon as I was able to climb out of bed, my cell phone rang. I picked it up. "H-hello?" I yawned.

"Hey, Elle," Marco said.

"Hey."  
"Just wake up?"

"Yeah," I replied. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. Do you want a visitor?" he asked.

"Uhm, sure?" I answered, trying to work a brush through my hair.

"We can grab some Chinese."

I hesitated. "Okay."

"See you in ten."

Ew. Marco was going to make me eat. _Fuck,_ I thought. _Maybe if I tell him I'm not hungry, he won't make me eat. _I bit my lip. _No, Marco's not stupid. He knows when I'm lying. I've never been a good liar. _

I sighed, putting on a pair of jeans. They were falling off, so I had to put on my bottlecap belt. I pulled a once-tight black long-sleeved Mary-Kate Olsen shirt (that read, "I Can't Be Perfect All the Time") over my head. It was baggy. Which, in turn, would make me look fat. So I sighed, and went digging through my closet for a pullover or something. A hoodie.

I spotted it at the back of the closet; the hoodie that Sean had given me. It was black and said "Zoo York" in yellow across the chest. Good enough. I pulled it over my head and went to attempt at brushing my hair.

After I was finished that, I went to the bathroom and parted my hair zig-zagged down the back. I then French braided it into pigtails as the doorbell rang.

"Hey, Ellie," Marco greeted me as I escorted him into the house. He pulled lightly on one of my pigtails.

"Hey. You know where the carryout menus are, so you can, like, yeah. You can order," I told him, smiling and curling my toes. "It's cold, I'm going to go get some socks."

----

I sat on the couch with Marco, watching some weird Italian movie that his father forced him to bring over. "Marco," I sighed, "you look so sad. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"Marco!" I cried, putting my hand over his.

"It's Dylan," he whispered. "We broke up."

I immediately hugged him. I could feel Marco sobbing. "Honey, Dylan's an asshole. Don't worry. You still have me." I sighed. "Marco, look at me. This could be good for you."

"How?" he asked, pulling back and sniffling.

"I have no idea." I smiled, then wrapped my arms around him. "It'll be okay."

----

**Marco's POV**

Eleanor Faith Nash is my best friend. Ellie is happy. I am very thankful for her. She hugs me when I'm upset and squeezes my hand at just the right times. I love her so much and I hate to see her hurting.

Eleanor Faith Nash has an eating disorder. She's anorexic. But Ellie is my Ana Pixie. Sometimes I just want to hug her. Because she needs it.

Crimson ribbons flow from her wrists...she's not as happy as I thought. I've seen my Ellie-Ana-Pixie on drugs. She's beautiful even then.

----

**Craig's POV**

"Paige!" I called. "Hey, wait up."

Paige smiled at me. "Long time, no see," she said, laughing. She hugged me. "How've you been?"

"Okay," I replied, slinging my arm around her shoulder. "Without you here there's been no one to laugh at me shoving fries of up my nose."

"Oh, **Spinner**, how I love you," she laughed.

----

**Ellie's POV**

I turned my stereo up louder as Conor Oberst filled my ears. "Eleanor Faith Nash, you turn that racket down this **instant**!" Mom screamed.

"Fuck off!" I replied loudly.

Mom knocked loudly on the door. I paused the tape.

"Come in," I muttered, sitting on the bed and pulling my sleeve over my bleeding arm.

"Eleanor, honey, I'm very worried about you."

"I'm great, Mom. Just peachy."

_I'm lying, Mom._

----

**I really like this chapter. I've been liking most of my chapters lately. Much love,**

**Zoe **


	25. New Friends?

**I'm at home from school, sick, so I thought I'd update. Sorry it's been a couple of days. I blame it on a hellish breakup, so after this chapter don't expect anything for a while. **

**Disclaimer: All Degrassi characters and already existing plotlines belong to Canada or CTV or The-N or whatever. I'm not really sure. **

-

**Ellie's POV**

"Ms. Kwan?"

"Yes?" she called into the intercom.

"Could you please send Eleanor Nash to the office please?"

Ms. Kwan smiled. "Sure."

Mr. Raditch looked at me. "Ellie, we have reasons to believe that you've been hurting yourself as a method of coping. Is that true?"

I sucked on the inside of my cheek and looked at my feet. "No..."

"Ellie?"

"It's really none of your business." I looked at him. His eyes burned a hole right through me.

"You're free to go..."

-

**Alex's POV**

"Hey, Ellie," I greeted her as she exited the dingy office.

"Hi, Alex."

"I just, uhm, wanted to thank you for the other day at the movies. With Jay. Thanks," I smiled at her.

"No problem. Hey, do you want to do something after school?" she asked, scratching her arms through her armwarmers.

"Hell, why not. I'll meet you outside after the bell rings," I replied, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

Ellie nodded slowly and walked out of the office.

"Alex, Mr. Raditch will see you now."

-

**Manny's POV**

"Hey, Ellie," I said to her as she walked out of the front office.

"Hey," she replied.

"What's up?" I asked, crossing my arms against my chest.

"Just going back to Kwan-Hell."

I laughed. "Did you know that Sean goes out with Emma again? And she called **me** a whore."

Ellie looked like she got hit in the face. "No, I didn't know that." She shook her head. "Emma's not a whore. And neither are you..." She looked up at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen.

"Thanks, Elle." I nodded and hugged her. I knew that trying to befriend someone like Ellie probably wasn't smart, but it was okay.

"Is there a reason you're even talking to me?" she suddenly asked.

"No, I just want to get to know you."

"Fat chance."

"Of what?" I asked, puzzled.

"Of me opening up to you." She smiled. "I have to go."

-

**Emma's POV**

I smiled as Sean kissed the base of my neck. I kissed his temples and he stopped. "What's wrong?" I asked, my voice dripping with concern.

"Something's wrong." He lifted himself from me and started pacing.

"Sean, tell me!"

"Something's wrong with Ellie. I can tell."

"Sean, it's nothing, c'mere."

"Shut up, Emma!" he yelled, picking up the phone. Sean dialed a number and furrowed his brow. "Hi, is Paige there?" He nodded slowly. "Paige, something's wrong with Ellie. Okay, thanks." He hung up the phone. "Em, you have to leave," Sean told me.

"Whatever. You fucking bastard." I grabbed my coat and left. I know that it wouldn't phase Sean even the least bit that I had just insulted him. He didn't care; he was too inlove with Ellie to even **notice**.

I sighed, starting to walk home. Sean had called me to tell me that Ellie just had a little scare (that probably involved a razorblade and an entire bottle of Tylenol PM) and that I could come back over if I wanted to. I said no and hung up on him.

-

**Ellie's POV**

My phone rang, distracting me from a bleeding arm. "H-hello?" I asked.

"Ellie? It's Paige," she said.

"Hey," I replied. "What's up?"

"Are you okay? Sean's really worried..." she rushed on.

"I'm fine," I replied.

"Ya sure?" Paige asked.

"Yes, _Mom_, I'm okay," I said, enforcing emphasis on "Mom".

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you too," I hung up.

I looked back down at my arm. One cut for everyone that calls me "Elle". Elle is a letter, not a name. I smiled then went to the bathroom, where I kneeled down and threw up.

When I climbed into bed that night, my mind was forced to Paige's words: "Sean's really worried..."

-

**Another chapter has come. Hells yeh! If you're reading this right now, I'd advise you to review, because it could have something to do with the next time I update. Much love,**

**Zoe**


	26. Breakaway

**I was listening to the song "Bulimic" by the Used, when this chapter came to mind. I also dedicated this chappy to the book Fat Chance by Leslea Newman, about bulimia, but this chapter is focusing on Ellie's eating disorder. Oh, and as a warning, this is the last chapter to this story. I'll have the sequel and shit up sometime in the near future. Enjoi. There are a few lines snagged from Thirteen and A Walk to Remember**

**Ellie's POV**

Mom knocked on my doorframe.

I smiled at her. "Come in."

"Baby," she whispered, her voice getting that annoying teary sound. "We need to talk."

"About what?" I asked her, setting my book aside.

"About your conditions. Ellie, honey, I found all these in your bathroom," she said as she put a scale on my bed. She put a razor there && pills && laxatives && bloody rags && rags spotted with vomit. "Honey, I love you so much. I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself. It's not like it was in Montreal, baby. Things are okay. We may not be rolling in cash anymore, but we're doing just fine. Baby..." She looked up at me, when all that I could do was look at the bed.

"Mommy, those things -- they aren't mine. It's not what you think," I spluttered. I looked at my hands. They were shaking violently.

"Eleanor Faith, I'm not playing around. This is not the time to play your petty fucking games." Mom sighed. "Ellie, tell me the truth. Honey-honey, what happened? Ella-Belle, please. It's just me and you now." Mom's eyes were pleading with me. She was tugging at my heart strings.

"Mom, I'm not okay. But I don't have an eating disorder. I'm cutting, but nothing more. Nothing life threatening." I looked up at her. "Nothing serious."

Mom sucked in a breath. "Ellie, honey, how much do you weigh?"

_79 and 1/2. _"Ninety-five, why?" I asked. I loved how I could bullshit my way through this.

"Honey, you don't weight that much." She set the scale on the floor. "Step on, baby."

I stepped onto the scale, closing my eyes and biting the inside of my cheek. "What does it say."

"Seventy-seven." Mom's eyes had filled with tears. "I thought you stopped throwing up. Ellie Faith, this is not the time to play your petty bullshit. You have no idea how serious this is. You could die."

I loved when Mom called me Ellie Faith. It made me feel normal. "Mommy, I just started throwing up again two or so months ago. Please, Mom, I'll gain wait --" _No I won't! _"-- please, Mommy! Don't send me away. You promised. You promised that you would never send me away again!" I was yelling at her.

"Ellie Faith, I have no choice. I'll make all of the phone calls. Go see who you need to, the car keys are by the front door. Be back by one tonight." Mom looked up at me, tears spilling onto her cheeks. "I want to be gone by tomorrow afternoon."

I picked up my scale, pissed, and threw it at the wall. "Fuck you! Fuck you! I hate you, Mom! I hate you, you whino-fucker-crackhead!" I couldn't contain my tears.

"Marco?" I whispered into my phone. "Can I come over?"

"Ellie, what happened?" he cried.

"I'll be over in a few minutes," I replied.

When Mama Del Rossi opened the door, she smiled. "Oh, Ellie, hello!"

"Hi, Mama Del Ross --"

She interrupted me. "Oh, Ellie, you look terrible! Have you been crying? That's okay, I make you some tea."

"No, Mama, I'm okay. I just came to see Marco."

Mama Del Rossi wrapped me in a hug, then called, "Marco, Ellie's here!" up the stairs.

I rushed up the stairs, because, well, Mr. Del Rossi was coming. I could not **stand** that fucking homophobe.

"Hey, Marc," I said quietly, sitting down on his bed. "I really have to talk to you about something. Something serious."

Marco turned around from his desk. "Oh shit, Elle, you look like a whore from Chino."

"Marco, do we have to go over this again? You've never been to Chin--"

"So?" he laughed. "Anyways, what's up?"

"Mom's institutionalizing me," I whispered.

"What!" Marco roared. "Why? You're fine! You're fine! You're not crazy! Ellie, honey, you're not crazy!"

"She says I have an eating disorder."

Marco paled. "Well, Ellie, you've lost some weight..."

"**WHAT THE FUCK? I'M FUCKING FINE!**" I stood up, my body shaking. "I have to go say bye to Paige. I love you, Marco, and I'll see you when they let me out."

I knocked on Paige's front door. Paige answered. "Hey," I said quietly, looking at my feet. When I looked up, Paige! With! No! Make! Up! was standing there.

"Ellie, what's wrong?" she asked, escorting me in.

"No, I want to stay outside. Paige, I just came here to say good-bye."

She leaned against the doorframe. "What'd you mean?"

"Mom's institutionalizing me," I told her.

"Oh, hon..." Pauge hugged me, but I pulled away.

"Look, I've gotta go -- bye to Sean." I kissed her quickly and ran out to the car, not realizing that it was snowing.

I couldn't even move the car out of her driveway. She was standing there in the doorway, waiting for me to leave. I just put my hands on the gigantic SUV's steering wheel and started to cry. Sobs wracked my body. Then I looked up at the roof of the car. "Please, God, if you're listening, I'm sorry. For everything. I love my mom, I really do, but I can't believe that you're letting her do this..." I couldn't stop crying. Paige realized this, and came running out to the car.

She opened the door. "Hon, are you okay?" Paige climbed in the front seat. "Honey...are you scared?"

"To death." I hesitated. "I'm scared of not being with you." I started crying harder.

"Ellie, look at me. You'll be okay. I love you. Please, Elle, don't cry. Please. It's not that bad in there."

I looked at her. "I've been in the nuthouse before."

"Why?"

"Same reason."

"Ellie, you're not talking to me. I don't know what I'm supposed to believe," Paige cried.

"Eating disorder." I sighed. "I really have to go. I have to go say bye to Ash and Sean. I'll call you later. I love you." I kissed her soft && quick.

"Bye, honey." She got out of the car, waving as I backed out of the driveway.

I knocked on Sean's door, but he wasn't home, and then I went to Ashley's. She wasn't home either. "Uhm, Toby, could you just tell her that she needs to call me. Like, asap?"

"Whatever. Bye, Ellie."

"Thanks."

Mom smiled at me. "Ellie Faith, I'm proud of you."

"For what?" I asked, not wanting to go to the building looming ahead.

"For forgiving me." She smiled. "Well, honey, this is it..."

**That's the end of Powerless. Sequel or no sequel? I don't know yet. But in the part where Paige is like, "I don't know what I'm supposed to believe," I was thinking of Ellie from Back in Black. So yeah, that's the tone I pictured Paige having. Anyways, I had fun writing this. But for now I'm back to one-shots. Kudos,**

**Zoe**


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